You can dance if you want to...

Sophie's very first dance rehearsal, in preparation for her very first dance recital is tonight. I've been kinda nonchalant about it up until now...I just realized that this is kind of a big deal. She is so oblivious and unaffected and the fact that she is unfazed is both rewarding and thrilling for me. As a child I was deathly shy, like hide-behind-my-mother's-leg-shy. I feel so fortunate that up until now, at least, Soph is pretty comfortable in her skin, not bashful or timid. I struggled with that growing up.

She and the other kids in her class have only practiced their tap and ballet dances twice without the use of the studio mirror. Needless to say, they all didn't do so hot (and they're only 3-5 for Pete's sake!)  I was blaming it on the class being so late in the day..."they're all tired"..."must be spring fever"..."this recital is going to be interesting."  After last week's class, Soph and I made a deal. The deal was that she was going to practice her dances at least once a day.  Period.  Guess what?  Didn't happen.  Five days passed and Asher and I were sitting at the table eating dinner - Sophie was wearing a new "outfit" made of a plastic Piggly Wiggly bag running around the house. I took this energetic opportunity and used it to my advantage. Whipped out my cell (on which I had recorded the music for both of her dances) and talked her into practicing.

Tap first.  Success. She danced it better than she ever had in class. With a smile.

Ballet next. Beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes. I was so proud and in that moment I realized two things about my kid:
1. She didn't apply herself in dance because she already knew what she was doing. I need to put more faith in her.  She's got it under control. The kid likes to be challenged.
2. She's teaching me not to worry so much - she's so calm and unfazed it seems a little lazy at times - I need to teach her the expression, "I got this." I know she would use it and it would save me a shit-ton of worry and concern.

So, T minus 7 hours until rehearsal and I hope that once she hits that stage tonight, for the first time, that being in front of an audience will speak to her. I hope she fully embraces it & that it sparks a new-found excitement and possibility inside of her. She's never been to a recital, never seen "the stage" so, I'm curious and hopeful she will fall in love with it. And if she doesn't, and she freaks (which I find highly unlikely) that'll be cool too. I got her back, no matter what.

Anxiety, you sneaky bastard.

Following a most excellent weekend of concert-going with Asher to see Tenacious D at the House of Blues and it being Sophie's first sleepover with her Grandma, I was sitting on the couch last night after having watched SNL on DVR (Justin Timberlake's hilarious 5th time hosting) so I was pretty relaxed, watching Girls (amazing episode btw) when all of a sudden fear struck me like a ton of bricks. My left arm felt numb, the left side of my face felt weird & I swear I thought I was having a stroke - just thinking about it makes my pulse rise. Along came a spider, erm...panic attack. I immediately hit the ground and assumed a dilligent child's pose. My pulse had to have been 150 and I was sweating and had tunnel vision and my ears felt full of cotton.  Managed to do this until the faint feeling subsided enough for me to want to talk. Called Asher up from the den to "hold me until this is over." Ugh. A good half-hour passed before I felt remotely clear-headed and then came utter exhaustion. I had no anti-anxiety meds on-hand which makes it an even more hopeless-feeling situation.

If one has never suffered from an anxiety/panic attack - it's impossible to really understand. In that 30 minute period of time I thought I was going to die. I was thinking of Sophie and Asher & how bad it would be if that was my final moments. I've cried several times this morning rethinking the terror I felt, I feel sorry for myself having to go through that.  It had been about 6 years since I'd had an attack - it was silly of me to think I was free of them. Now comes the anxiety of "when am I going to have another one?"